This is the team of facially-challenged players that will compete against the Handsome XV in my fantasy RWC league – and here’s the post that explains the rules.
If you have a sensitive constitution you might have to brace yourself for some of these photos.
1. Loosehead prop: Andrea Lo Cicero of Italy
Do you remember the 1980s TV series Beauty and the Beast? This guy could be in the running for a lead role in any remake.
2. Hooker: Steve Thompson of England
This is an astonishly flattering photo of Thompson, a player who I find completely repulsive.
3. Tighthead prop: Nicolas Mas of France
Mas illustrates what can happen to a man’s face when he spends too much time in the scrum.
4. Lock: Jamie Cudmore of Canada
Cudmore looks like a dopey, likeable Desperate Dan kind of character, so he was an easy selection for this team.
5. Lock: Patricio Albacete of Argentina
A lot of rugby players seem to have curiously rubbery-looking lips; Albacete is no exception. He’s very much in the Martin Johnson mould of lock.
6. Blindside flanker: Kelly Brown of Scotland
I think that Brown looks like a lovely chap, but his nose helped him to get the nod here.
7. Openside flanker: Mala Ravulo of Fiji
This was a tough call because – terrifying frown line aside – Ravulo is a decent-looking fella. However, I needed an openside flanker and I had to draft him in.
8. No. 8: Willem Alberts of South Africa
Alberts looks more half-witted than hideous.
9. Scrum Half: Tim Usasz of the USA
Usazs looks like a serial killer.
10. Fly Half (or ‘First 5/8th’ in NZ): Colin Slade of New Zealand
Poor Slade. He stood out in the ranks of hot men that tend to wear the no. 10 jersey at international level, and he looks a bit weedy and pasty.
11. Left Wing: Shane Williams of Wales
This is probably a bit harsh for Williams, but I needed somebody on the left wing. And he does look a bit like a police composite photo on Crimewatch.
12. Inside Centre (or ‘Second 5/8th’ in NZ): Gordon D’Arcy of Ireland
If I was marketing tractors to Irish farmers and wanted a member of the national team to be the face of the campaign, D’Arcy is the person I would hire.
13. Outside Centre (or ‘Centre’ in NZ): Csaba Minya Gal of Romania
It doesn’t help that Gal has ginger stubble.
14. Right Wing: Danie Dames of Namibia
Dames’s fivehead helped to ensure his selection.
15. Fullback: Kurtley Beale of Australia
There could be only one choice in this position – Beale is the funniest-looking player at the tournament, with a face that makes him resemble some weird cross-breeding experiment involving people and pug dogs.
It was very easy to find the right coach for the Unfortunate XV:
Martin Johnson is just the man to get results from this team.