This is the team of facially-challenged players that will compete against the Handsome XV in my fantasy RWC league – and here’s the post that explains the rules.

If you have a sensitive constitution you might have to brace yourself for some of these photos.

1. Loosehead prop: Andrea Lo Cicero of Italy

Do you remember the 1980s TV series Beauty and the Beast? This guy could be in the running for a lead role in any remake.

2. Hooker: Steve Thompson of England

This is an astonishly flattering photo of Thompson, a player who I find completely repulsive.

3. Tighthead prop: Nicolas Mas of France

Mas illustrates what can happen to a man’s face when he spends too much time in the scrum.

4. Lock: Jamie Cudmore of Canada

Cudmore looks like a dopey, likeable Desperate Dan kind of character, so he was an easy selection for this team.

5. Lock: Patricio Albacete of Argentina

A lot of rugby players seem to have curiously rubbery-looking lips; Albacete is no exception. He’s very much in the Martin Johnson mould of lock.

6. Blindside flanker: Kelly Brown of Scotland

I think that Brown looks like a lovely chap, but his nose helped him to get the nod here.

7. Openside flanker: Mala Ravulo of Fiji

This was a tough call because – terrifying frown line aside – Ravulo is a decent-looking fella. However, I needed an openside flanker and I had to draft him in.

8. No. 8: Willem Alberts of South Africa

Alberts looks more half-witted than hideous.

9. Scrum Half: Tim Usasz of the USA

Usazs looks like a serial killer.

10. Fly Half (or ‘First 5/8th’ in NZ): Colin Slade of New Zealand

Poor Slade. He stood out in the ranks of hot men that tend to wear the no. 10 jersey at international level, and he looks a bit weedy and pasty.

11. Left Wing: Shane Williams of Wales

This is probably a bit harsh for Williams, but I needed somebody on the left wing. And he does look a bit like a police composite photo on Crimewatch.

12. Inside Centre (or ‘Second 5/8th’ in NZ): Gordon D’Arcy of Ireland

If I was marketing tractors to Irish farmers and wanted a member of the national team to be the face of the campaign, D’Arcy is the person I would hire.

13. Outside Centre (or ‘Centre’ in NZ): Csaba Minya Gal of Romania

It doesn’t help that Gal has ginger stubble.

14. Right Wing: Danie Dames of Namibia

Dames’s fivehead helped to ensure his selection.

15. Fullback: Kurtley Beale of Australia

There could be only one choice in this position – Beale is the funniest-looking player at the tournament, with a face that makes him resemble some weird cross-breeding experiment involving people and pug dogs.

It was very easy to find the right coach for the Unfortunate XV:

Martin Johnson is just the man to get results from this team.


5 thoughts on “RWC: Unfortunate XV

    1. I know! Believe me, I could have selected several teams of unfortunate rugby players if I had relaxed my ‘one player per nationality’ rule.

      Later on I will tot up the scores from the first round of games and see if this desperate bunch of characters has managed to jump out of the blocks ahead of the Handsome XV.

      1. Kelly Brown! No 6 in your list. Eybrow alert!!! The nose is bad, but the eyebrows are usually seen on men in the 70s. Horrendous.

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