As I’ve mentioned before, since returning to New Zealand and being at home during the day I’ve done something of which I’m not proud: I’ve become aware of the Kardashians.
Don’t judge me. Wait until the day that you’re at home a lot, and there’s nothing to do, and you’re channel-surfing, and you stop by E! Entertainment just in time to see Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie sticking incontinence pads to the back of their mother’s jacket, and then see if you find yourself horribly fascinated by the fake hilarity and, thus, compelled to keep watching.
Anyway, I watch Kardashian shows and you’re going to have to like it or lump it. And the most recent Kardashian product has been Kourtney and Kim Take New York. This was the series that promised to show just what went wrong with the romance of the century, so any right-thinking person would have done what I did, and series-linked it.
We’re only two episodes into the series and I can already tell you why Kim and Kris didn’t last more than 72 days: she’s a humourless drama queen with no concept of how to compromise or share her life with another person, and she regards her ‘career’ as the most important thing in her world (which, given her lack of discernable skills and her objectionable personality, is probably a shrewd move). Meanwhile, he’s a man child of epic proportions, no more able to form an adult relationship with a woman (let alone one as flawed as Kim) than he is able to wipe the dense, borderline braindead smirk off his face. Seriously, he’s pathetic.
Incidentally, I read that Kris was worried that the editing would be really harsh and make him look bad. I don’t think he needs to worry, though – Kim actually comes across as even more insufferable than him. If I was him I’d change the spelling of my name to the far less idiotic ‘Chris’ and put this whole sorry episode behind him.
To catch you up, here’s a quick summary of the first two episodes.
Kim, Kris, Kourtney, Scott and Mason (Kourtney and Scott’s firstborn) move to New York to live together in a duplex hotel room. It transpires that Scott and Kourtney sleep in separate rooms, because Kourtney insists on sleeping in the same bed as Mason. Apparently she’s ‘always’ slept with him. Why would you do that? Isn’t it quite dangerous (to the child) to sleep with a baby in the same bed as an adult? And isn’t it quite annoying (to the adult) to sleep with a wiggly toddler in the bed? Anyway, they take the two downstairs bedrooms, leaving Kim and Kris the upstairs room – but they also decide that the space immediately outside Kim and Kris’s room will be Mason’s play area.
Kris gets disturbed by the noise Mason makes, deciding that it distracts him from being able to have a proper gym routine (what the where why? huge gym avoidance excuse, right there), and so decides that he should move back to Minnesota for a while and concentrate on his training. Obviously, the other solutions – asking Scott and Kourtney to move Mason’s play area, for example, or finding somewhere for him and Kim to live alone – don’t register in his dense head. When he leaves Kim rearranges her make up into a sad expression.
Meanwhile, the ever-present cracks in Scott and Kourtney’s relationship start to widen still further by her refusal to pay him any attention or talk to him in normal, respectful tones, so he gets a bit liquored up at a party. This provides her with her eleventy-millionth excuse to harp on about a couple of past occasions where he’s been drunk and out of control, so he leaves. The episode ends with two sad clown-faced Kardashian sisters, plus Mason (who already looks to have intelligence and charm that far exceeds the rest of the family).
Khloe comes out to New York for a visit, which pretty much guarantees that there’ll be drama: Khloe isn’t famed for keeping her opinions to herself, and often rolls her eyes so hard that they almost pop out of her head (yes, Khloe is my favourite Kardashian). The whole klan has been invited to Scott’s parents’ house in the Hamptons for the weekend, but at the eleventh hour Kim decides that she’ll skip it and visit Kris instead, with the hopes that she’ll be able to convince him that he can probably find a gym in New York. Scott’s staying at a mutual friend’s house and it’s all very sad and pathetic.
When Kourtney and Khloe (and Mason) leave the duplex to go to the Hamptons, Khloe goes to say goodbye to Kim… but it’s an hour earlier than Kim was intending to wake up, which prompts her to verbally abuse Khloe in person, and then ring her with more verbal abuse in the car, and then email her and tell her that she’s a vicious, hateful troll who is jealous of Kim (I’m not even paraphrasing). If either of my sisters spoke to me like that we would have A Serious Problem, and Khloe is obviously pretty upset by it, but she tries to take Kourtney’s advice and just laugh it off. As Kourtney puts it, “she’s just mad because she married a barking dog”.
Scott and the friend (whose name escapes me) are already at his parents’ house, but Scott’s asleep when the Kardashians arrive. It’s all very weird and awkward, but eventually Khloe plays peacemaker and sits the starstruck lovers down to have a chat about how, perhaps, Kourtney might want to prioritise her life partner occasionally and actually speak to him and stuff. Later on in the episode Scott and Kourtney manage to eat dinner together without killing each other.
During the weekend, Kourtney takes it upon herself to ‘tidy up’ Scott’s parents’ house: she just throws out any of their belongings that she doesn’t like. Astonishingly, they don’t kill her, although Scott eventually speaks on his mother’s behalf and says that it might be ‘a little insensitive’. Kourtney makes the kind of insincere, smirking apology that, were it directed at me, would probably earn somebody a clip around the ear.
While this unfolds Kim and Kris are reunited in Minnesota, and Kris reasserts his misguided masculinity by throwing Kim on the bed. When they eventually try to talk, she speaks some degree of sense by saying that they could try to sort out the New York situation before throwing in the towel and deciding that living in different states is a reasonable way to conduct a marriage. Kris consults with his basketball coach and decides to give it a go. During the weekend, when Kim calls Kourtney to give her an update, Khloe makes disparaging remarks just out of earshot (because the whole conversation is conducted on speakerphone, which is how any normal person would discuss their personal affairs) and Kim gets wound up. Khloe’s expecting an apology, but none is forthcoming. Things aren’t helped by Kris using Khloe as the gold standard of how a woman should Stand By Her Man (Khloe left Miami to be with Lemar, her husband).
The episode ends with Kim and Kris returning to the duplex, and it’s Awk.Ward because Khloe’s still there and Kim won’t even speak to her. Khloe leaves these fools to it. Kourtney and Kris’s reunion demonstrates a strong mutual dislike.
Now, I went on a bit there – I can’t help it, there’s just so much to say about these people. And this brings me to my topic today: that Kourtney, the oldest Kardashian, is krazy.
This is Kourtney:
I agree, she looks relatively normal. At first, I thought that she was almost a real person – she’d been to college, she seemed rational… However, as time has passed she’s morphed into one of the worst Kardashians, and might even be more unbearable than Kim (and that’s a big call). Here are five reasons:
1. She won’t kommit
Now, I don’t blame her for having ongoing problems with her numskull of a life partner – Scott is no prize, given that he can’t have one beer without it turning into fifteen, and then before you know it he’s punching a mirror in Miami or trying to shove a $100 bill down a hapless waiter’s throat in Las Vegas. However, she endlessly breaks up with him, and then takes him back, then breaks up with him, then takes him back, then acts all long-suffering when he moves out because she persists on sleeping in a bed with Mason. Seriously, she needs to get on board the Scott train, or let it leave the station. As wise Khloe pointed out in this week’s episode, half of Scott’s shenanighans probably stem from the fact that she’s just trying to get Kourtney’s attention (yes, just like a disobedient dog – a good analogy for this guy, actually). Of course, any sane person would wave that loser goodbye, but she’s knocked up to him again, so we can expect this drama to keep playing.
2. She keeps komplaining
Although she won’t end things with Scott, she complains about him incessantly. And when she is in an anti-Scott phase, she talks about how awful he is to her entire family. But when she gets back together with him and her family don’t all warm to him again – and having seen him behave like a dork countless times, who can blame them? – she complains about how they’re not supportive of her life choices.
3. She’s krass
How rude would you have to be to stay at your in-laws’ house and merrily start throwing away their belongings? As wise Khloe said, she wouldn’t even go to her own mother’s house and start turfing stuff out. Having said that, how weak must Scott’s mother be, to not go mental and read Kourtney the riot act?
4. She’s a kontrol freak
The Kardashian sisters have the Dash fashion stores, and in one episode of an earlier series of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney decided that the time had come to open a branch in New York. She announced this to Kim and Khloe, and demanded that they agree to move to New York with her and help with all the work. Kim said that she couldn’t because of her jam-packed schedule, although she’d help out where she could. Khloe said she couldn’t because of her jam-packed schedule and her whole weird ‘actually wanting to live in the same house as her husband’ thing. Kourtney responded by throwing a massive wobbly and threatening to close the entire Dash empire, just because the entire world wouldn’t dance to her tune. Not too unreasonable, then.
5. She’s konniving
During Khloe and Kim’s fight she kept sounding all supportive in her conversations with Khloe, but when she talked to Kim later she made it clear that she thought that both sisters were to blame, and didn’t make any effort to tell Kim that she’s a psycho. That’s not trying to be a peacemaker – that’s taking some degree of pleasure in your siblings being at war.
So Khloe’s my definitely my favourite Kardashian now, along with Bruce, Mason and Lemar. The four of them should strike out on their own, with occasional visits from Rob.