Party people, the interweb is on fire with rumours that Khloe Kardashian is not, in fact, a Kardashian at all, and was actually conceived while Kris Jenner was playing around on her hairy little first husband. The rumours have been fuelled by comments by her supposed father’s second and third wives, both of whom have implied that Khloe’s non-Kardashian status was common knowledge.
It’s scandalous stuff, and Khloe is – of course – denying it – but let’s look at the evidence objectively, shall we?
The main argument in favour of Khloe being a Fauxdashian is the way in which she looks nothing like her two half-witted midget sisters:
She’s got the same glossy hair (albeit dyed red in this shot) and olive skin, but the differences in height, face shape and body shape are marked. You could be forgiven for assuming that she was bred from different stock. However, don’t jump to conclusions, kids. My older sister is something like 5′ 2″ and my younger sister is only 5′ 5″, but I’m a lofty 5′ 10″. And I’m definitely my father’s daughter, as evidenced by the way in which I seem to be developing many of his eccentricities as I mature.
No, I think that the real evidence to support Khloe’s non-Kardashian lineage would be the way that she’s actually reasonably sensible and quite likeable, in stark contrast to her insane mother and halfwitted supposedly full-blooded siblings. If I was a member of this family I’d be fervently praying that something could come up to reveal me as not really One Of Them. I understand that, by admitting that she isn’t actually a Kardashian, she could lose the earning power that her ridiculous family’s surname affords her, but I reckon that she could go it alone and still do fairly well at this point.
The latent strain of Kardashian idiocy was illustrated in last week’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, during which Kim and Kris H. discussed whether to start a family.
For most of us, the prospect of having a baby wouldn’t really occur to us when we were still trying to figure out whether we could even stand to live in the same state as our husband. For Kim, life-changing decisions are much more straightforward: she was just about to finish a packet of her birth control, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity to get pregnant.
Kim first told Kourtney, and she was a total enabler about it and said that it would change Kim’s life, but that Kim should go for it. I think that there’s something suspiciously snide about Kourtney, so I assume that she simply wanted Kim to have a baby because it would give her an entertaining trainwreck to view, and probably ruin Kim’s ‘career’ for good.
Kim then told Kris Jenner. To her eternal credit, and confounding all of my expectations of her, Kris had the good sense to suggest that Kim might not be ready, and that Kim should really discuss it all with Kris H. and make the decision with him. Kim being Kim, she became characteristically petulant when somebody didn’t want to support her harebrained scheme to bring yet another Kardashian into the world.
Finally, Kim talked to Kris H. about it. He raised understandable concerns about little issues like where the family would like. Kim laid it all on the line and said that she’d never live in Minnesota. It’s hard to say why the two of them didn’t think about resolving some of these fundamental issues before they got married, but I guess that it just didn’t occur to them, what with being so busy with choosing three different wedding dresses and forgetting to organise a car to get the in-laws to the ceremony. The discussion was comedy gold, with Kim being told by her beloved that, once she moves to Minnesota and have kids, everybody will forget who she was and none of it will matter. Kim, of course, acted like this basic, self-evident truth was the Most. Hurtful. Thing. Ever. It must be difficult when people persist in reminding you that you’ve become famous despite having no skills or talents.
Kris H. also stoked the fires of sisterly (or half-sisterly) hate by once again invoking the name of Khloe as a shining example of a woman who will give it all up to stand by her man. Although we didn’t see it on camera, I suspect that Kim went completely mental at this point. It was telling that she didn’t involve Khloe in her baby-making decisions at all.
Anyway, after what passes for thought in Kris H’s thick head, he decided that he was ready to board the baby bus. BUT: Kim then had lunch with her best friend, the implausibly-named Lala (also married to a basketballer, and also wearing the entire Clarins counter). Lala managed to really put the frighteners up Kim about being a parent. She didn’t sugar-coat being a mother, that’s for sure – she just stopped short of saying that she hated her own child and would dearly love to leave him in a public place and run far away. Lala’s insightful words penetrated Kim’s skull in a way that her mother’s opinions couldn’t do, and Kim had second thoughts about the whole thing.
At this point you’d expect Kim to go back to Kris H. and say,”‘you know how I thought I was ready to be a mother? Well, I’ve thought about it some more and talked to some people, and realised that it’s too soon and that we should enjoy being married first and do the baby thing in a year or two”. It’s what any normal person would do. Kim, however, decided that she just couldn’t deal with having a conversation with the now-keen-for-babies Kris H. – instead, she’s going to let him think that they’re trying for a baby, but will keep taking her birth control pills. Really, it’s impossible to see why these two loveable scamps couldn’t make a go of it.
But getting back to Khloe: I wish she wasn’t a full blooded relative of somebody as idiotic as Kim, so I’d prefer it – for her sake – if she was a Fauxdashian. Sadly, it seems that this is not the case, as E! Online can reveal: they’ve got a copy of Robert Kardashian’s petition to file his divorce from his second wife, in which he confirms that he’s got four biological children – Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Rob.
Of course, it might just be that Robert was referring to another, as yet unrevealed Kardashian child (in addition to Kourtney, Kim and Rob). I like to think that, if there was a hitherto unpublicised Kardashian child out there, he/she is probably living in a cellar at the Jenner household, and has either been kept out of sight because he/she lacks the requisite glossy hair and sparkling teeth, or because Kris Jenner, ever the savvy momanger, is going to wait until Kim has truly cooked her own goose with the public before quietly withdrawing her from circulation and replacing her with a brand spanking new, even more sexy model. Called Krystal.