Kids, I’ve been catching up with the past two weeks’ worth of Kardashian mayhem.

The first episode I watched was dull in the extreme.  Scott bought a baby grand piano on a whim, because he thought it looked cool.  Kourtney wanted him to return it (for no apparent reason – she’s just like that).  They made a wager whereby he could keep it if he learned to play a song on it within a week.  Kourtney agreed to have sex with him on the piano if he managed to win the wager; if he failed, the piano would be sent back to the shop.  Scott duly learned how to play the first few chords of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’, sex ensued, but Scott agreed to return the piano anyway.  I hope that it was sanitised before the shop took it back.

In another very dull Scott and Kourtney ‘plot’, Kourtney became briefly obsessed with ‘couponing’ (buying stuff with discount coupons) and started stockpiling random groceries, just because they were on sale.  But the others staged an intervention by hiding her coupon book, Scott whinged about her neglecting him in favour of couponing, and Kourtney agreed to give it up.  Snoresville.

Meanwhile, Kim and Kris nearly had a drama because of Kris’s interest in Kim’s ‘best friend’ Jonathan’s sexuality: is he gay or straight?  He actually comes across as asexual and it’s all probably a moot point.  Kim had been ‘best friends’ with Jonathan for years and years, but had never found out which gender he preferred.  Kris, being a lumbering fool, just asked Jonathan.  Jonathan became very melodramatic and offended (which may have led many viewers to conclude ‘gay’), Kris eventually apologised, and that was that.  I think we were supposed to learn from this episode that Kris is an insensitive idiot, but anybody who has watched more than five minutes of the series will have realised that long ago.

Anyway, I just finished watching the most recent episode (so I’m all caught up before the new episode is on tonight).  It was all about Kris and Kim, and was supposed to help us to understand that Kim was starting to have Serious Doubts about the marriage.

The episode starts with Kim and Kourtney being stalked by the paparazzi at a fitness class.  They’re both furious about this intrusion, but it was all so fake: the photographers were there when the car pulled up – in other words, the sisters weren’t followed and the paparazzi knew that they would be there.  Gee, how do you think they knew?  Could it be that somebody on the sisters’ payroll tipped them off?

Indignant at the lack of privacy while squatting and thrusting (in Kim’s case, while wearing leggings so stretched that she nearly popped a buttock), the sisters decide to take a trip to Mystic, Connecticut for some peace and quiet.  They rudely inform their significant others of this plan in a real ‘nyah nyah nyah, you’re not invited!’ kind of way, which Scott doesn’t really like (and fair enough too, I reckon).  Meanwhile, Kris tells Kim that he’s been offered some good money to do a club appearance in Toronto (or ‘Taronno’, as these halfwits insist upon calling it); Kris used to live in Taronno and knows a lot of people there.  Kim doesn’t like the idea of Kris going away without her, particularly since Scott and Kris committed the heinous crime of inviting people (including – gasp! – girls) to the New York apartment a few weeks back, while the sisters were in Los Angeles.  She makes the following statement (and I’m only paraphrasing very slightly):

“There will be a lot of drunk people around him and I don’t know what he’ll do, and I don’t want to have trust issues in our relationship, so I don’t want him to go”

Nobody sees fit to point out that she’s displaying a singular lack of trust by not ‘letting’ him go.  And what the hell is all this ‘letting him go’ talk anyway?  Forgive me my ignorance here – I’ve only been married nearly 13 years and probably don’t know what I’m talking about – but when you’re in a happy, normal, adult relationship, aren’t both parties free and entitled to do what they want?  I have always loathed the idea that a wife ‘lets’ her husband go out for a few drinks with his friends, or a husband ‘lets’ his wife buy something.  Spouses are not each other’s property, and thinking of an adult in those terms – as somebody that you either control or are controlled by – is not the way to have a healthy relationship.  Of course, you have to have consideration for your spouse and not do things that they wouldn’t like or approve of (sleeping with other people, disappearing for months on end without their blessing, spending the mortgage money on a handbag, etc), but surely nobody would marry somebody who wouldn’t automatically understand that?  This kind of thing is the reason why I don’t really understand married couples who maintain separate finances.  If you can’t trust your spouse enough to feel assured that they won’t spend all of the household’s money unwisely, why on earth would you marry them in the first place?

I digress.  So Kim, Kourtney and Mason go to Mystic, where Kim tells the world that she thought that Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1842 – or maybe 1742?  Kourtney, to her college-educated credit, corrected her – but how does she cope with having a sister who isthatdumb?  Kim’s brain should be donated to science after she dies.

Having complained about the supposed downfalls of being famous, the sisters now reap the benefits by going to an aquarium and getting a lot of special treatment.  And Kim wears this dress:

Seriously, is that not the fugliest dress you’ve ever seen?  Kim has the most awful taste in clothes.  I’ll say this for her, though; she’s got balls to leave the house looking like that.

Speaking of balls, the boys decide to go to Taronno after all.  This is primarily because Kris, who seems to be obsessed with testicles, tells Scott that he’s going to go and that Scott must come too, to prove that he does have balls and isn’t just Kourtney’s toy to be controlled at her whim.  We then see a montage of earlier balls-related comments that Kris has made to Scott.  Scott, being as weak as they come, agrees.

Of course, in Taronno Scott goes mental and drinks too much, which makes Kris concerned and leads to them leaving the club.  By Scott’s standards this is a pretty low-key bender: nobody gets a banknote stuffed down their throats and no mirrors get punched.  He does urinate into a rubbish bin, though.  He’s all class, that Scott.

During the trip to Taronno the girls learn from the interweb that their men are off the leash, which causes a wide range of cross facial expressions in their makeup.  Kim starts to tell Kourtney about how she’s really a bit concerned about the whole marriage thing.  She says something like ‘this is the kind of thing that kills trust’.

The boys get back to New York, the girls confront them, and Kris is uncharacteristically contrite, telling Kim that he knows that he should have told her that he was going to Taronno and that he’s sorry.  It seems to go unmentioned that he didn’t say it because she hadn’t trusted him enough to go ahead with the trip in the first place, which led him to sneak around.  These two are so dense and idiotic that it worries me that they’re allowed to vote.  Kris talks about his inability to communicate and how he’s not yet used to being married.  This might be partially explained by the speed with which they got married, of course.

It looks like tonight’s episode involves Kim and Kris Jenner going to Dubai, with Kim telling her mother that there’s something ‘really wrong’ with the relationship.  No!  Really?

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